A Journey of Hope and Healing for Wives
of Sexual Addicts - by Ronni Schaack
What was once rarely discussed in the Christian community has become a frequent topic of conversation, as well as a great issue of concern for many families on a personal level. I am referring to sexual addiction.
All too frequently a well known political figure is confronted by sexual addiction. And near the close of last year a well known Christian leader stepped down from his influential position for the same reason. The consequences are devastating, both for the person exposed and their families.
Approximately half of the people I see in my counseling office are there because their lives have been affected by sexual addiction in some form. Being a sexual addict entails a complex bondage that requires an extensive recovery process. Being the spouse of a sexual addict also requires a process of healing and restoration.
When a wife learns of her husband’s sexual addiction, whether the addiction is acted out by looking at pornography, going to strip clubs, having sex with prostitutes, having frequent affairs or a combination of these, the response is typically similar. She first feels an overwhelming onslaught of emotions consisting of anger, anxiety, insecurity, confusion, helplessness and depression. Behaviors such as compulsive checking, difficulty concentrating, obsessive thoughts and hypervigilence are normal following disclosure. Many women also experience nightmares and a tendency to isolate themselves from others. These symptoms, in clinical terms, are referred to as post traumatic stress disorder. Discovering that your husband has a sexual addiction is extremely traumatic to say the least.
The emotional pain is unbearable. This is usually when most wives of sexual addicts seek help from their pastor or a licensed counselor.
I believe that part of the recovery process for the wife of a sexual addict consists of focusing her energy on what she can control such as her own grief and healing instead of on her husband’s choices and recovery. This does not undermine the importance of setting healthy boundaries for her, her marriage and her children. With the guidance and support of a professional trained in sexual addiction recovery and relying on the Lord’s comfort and strength many women discover a new identity and peace that they initially believed was unattainable.
We are all aware that many marriages end in divorce because of the consequences of sexual addiction. However, many marriages broken by sexual addiction can continue, and eventually thrive, when both spouses are committed to seeking help and healing for themselves and their marriage. I would like to share the thoughts of a former client who experienced the transformation of God’s healing power for herself, her husband and her marriage after her husband’s sexual addiction was exposed.
“It has been fourteen months since my world was turned upside down. It was a few days after Thanksgiving when my husband, a pastor, told me that he was having an affair with a woman friend of ours, a church member.
Emotionally, what I went through over the course of the next couple of months was a very wide range. First was shock, and then came anger, hatred, hurt, paranoia, and hopelessness. I felt so ugly and ashamed. I worried what everyone was saying about us. Out in public I was treated like a leper. My church family was gone. I am very happy and proud to say that within these last fourteen months, God has restored my family and marriage. What to me seemed hopeless and impossible, is now a testimony to God’s power. Our marriage is the strongest it has been in twenty years. God has moved in every aspect of our lives. He has provided His strength when I felt I couldn’t go on anymore. One thing I have learned was when I thought God was so far away, that was when he was the closest.”
It took unimaginable pain and amazing courage on the part of this woman and her husband to seek help to restore their marriage. They were both committed to healing from the emotional and relational devastation that sexual addiction brought to their lives. Each took responsibility for their own pain and the pain they caused each other to grow beyond the resentment and bitterness that could have strangled their marriage.
If you are a spouse of a sexual addict, or if you are entangled in the bondage of sexual addiction, God is with you and He cares about your pain. At the Gentle Shepherd, we rely on the Lord as well as our knowledge of the complex dynamics of sexual addiction to bring hope and healing to those whose lives and marriages been affected by sexual addiction. We invite you to contact us if you are considering seeking support for your own heartache at home.