by Maureen Cooper
My husband is my hero.
He has overcome physical obstacles I can only imagine: a life-altering car accident at age 19 left him with a brain injury, and one leg shorter than the other. A congenital bone defect has left him needing many shoulder surgeries and living life with constant pain. He’s had to give up his dreams of athleticism and of grand material success, and continually adjust to changes. God miraculously healed his leg when someone prayed for him and it instantly grew, but other things God has chosen to leave him to struggle with.
One of those struggles almost undid our marriage. In the wake of a failed shoulder surgery, Charlie became very depressed. He had to go on disability as pain and the drugs used to control it left him exhausted every day and unable to concentrate. He started withdrawing both from life and from others, and turned inward. As most of us do in times like these, he turned to what had soothed him earlier in life, and for him that thing was pornography. It had been a part of his dad’s life, so as he became a teen-ager, it had become a part of his.
Seeing what all this trouble was doing to us, I tried to turn the tide by taking control. I tried to talk to him, cried, raged, or gave the “silent treatment.” I insisted on counseling. His resentment grew. He talked to the people I asked him to, and read the books and listened to the CD’s I brought home in my misguided attempts to “fix” the problem, but the gap between us only got wider, my hurt deeper, and his isolation more profound.
Finally, I was exhausted. I asked him to move out so I could recover. It was a terrible time, filled with bitterness and recriminations on both of our parts. We both had talked to lawyers, thinking our marriage was over. But God wasn’t done with us yet.
After about 6 months of separation, Charlie called me one day and told me he didn’t want to give up on our marriage and would do whatever it took to fix it. A small part of me was thrilled, but most of me was filled with fear: I did not want to go through all of the ups and downs, the raised hopes and dashed dreams, again. I told him that 98% of me was done. Instead of getting angry, he said “Then I’ll work with the 2%.”
Over the next months, that’s exactly what he did. He never mentioned his own needs, but focused on mine. He wanted to hear exactly how he had wounded me, and when I told him, he cried for me, and wholeheartedly asked for forgiveness, while saying he wouldn’t blame me if I couldn’t forgive him. This shocked me!
When I asked him what had happened, all he could say was that God had touched him, he realized how blessed he had been despite his sufferings, and he wanted to embrace this life that God had given him, not throw it away, and that I was God’s greatest blessing to him. He told me he would wait as long as it took for us to be healed, and he wasn’t ever going to give up.
His attitude gradually melted the iciness I had in my own heart. Sometimes I needed time and space away from him in order to sort things out; he never complained about that, but allowed me everything I needed. He offered to help with practical things, like taking care of my car or running errands, but never pushed himself on me. Over the months of healing, after I had poured out my hurt and he had acknowledged it, I was able to see the ways I had hurt him. I cried tears of repentance, which he graciously received and forgave me. When I asked him to move back home, we both rejoiced!
I can honestly say now that we have the marriage we have always wanted, enriched with double thankfulness because we came so close to losing it. Charlie is actively involved in a ministry that helps other men struggling with pornography, and takes measures to ensure his own purity in that area.
He is my hero: a man who faces his biggest battles and endures until his enemy is subdued. He has shown me what real repentance and restoration are. He is a man of character and I’m proud to call him my husband.
Articles on Relationships & Sexual Addiction
There's Help for the Sexually Addicted
by Dr. Rick McQuistion
John first experienced pornography at age 11. The images drew him into repetitive sexualized behaviors which degenerated in progressively more serious sexual acting-out. Over time, John’s impulses to engage in sexually stimulating acts became habitual and unmanageable. John could not stop. The sex made him feel better temporarily, and so he continued to medicate his mood. Multiple destructive consequences were the result of his behavior. John had become a full blown sexual addict. He demonstrated all five key behaviors of an addiction: repetitive, degenerative, unmanageable, medicative, and destructive (Laaser, 2000).
Sadly, John is not alone. Even in the church as a whole, it is estimated that 50% of the men in attendance on an average Sunday morning are struggling with the issue of pornography. In addition to these staggering numbers, the percentage of women attending our churches caught up in the snares of pornography is believed to now be over 25%.
For men, loneliness and the lack of perceived personal adequacy are key issues leading to sexual addictive behaviors.
In women, such acting-out is about the closeness of a relationship and acceptance. The truth is that the depth of the human soul yearns for completeness. Sexual exploits are intended to meet that yearning. The problem is that the lack of intimacy cannot be addressed through sexual fantasy or the use of pornography, masturbation, or any other sexual behaviors.
Many have stated that such behavior is the “norm.” Perhaps, societally, sexual acting-out is the “norm,” but when the norm is destructive, do men and women, couples, Christian, or non-Christian really want to set the bar so low? Settling for such temporary fixes does not satisfy the true need of every human being for personal intimacy and an adequate sense of who we are created to be. Extensive and qualified treatment is critical to promote healing. In addition, a renewed spiritual walk is essential to achieving freedom from such damaging behaviors.
Maybe you or someone you know is caught in this addictive trap. Denial will not help you escape the “cocaine-like” draw that unhealthy sexual behaviors have on you. Help is available, not to condemn, but to restore.
The work is difficult and long, but you, your relationships, your marriage, your children, and our walk with the Lord are worth it. Your true peace of mind is worth it.
I am Dr. Rick McQuistion, LPCC-S. I have been seeing an increase of this problem for years, and I have been blessed to be helpful to many struggling with sexual sins. I am certified to diagnose and treat sexual addictions through the American Association of Christian Counselors. Let me help you on your path to peace and sexual wholeness. Let me help you learn to “take every thought (and action) captive (II Corinthians 10:5) and regain control over your life.
Resources:
Carnes, P. (2005), Facing the Shadow
Laaser, M. (2000), Faithful & True
Schaumburg, H.W. (1997), False Intimacy
John first experienced pornography at age 11. The images drew him into repetitive sexualized behaviors which degenerated in progressively more serious sexual acting-out. Over time, John’s impulses to engage in sexually stimulating acts became habitual and unmanageable. John could not stop. The sex made him feel better temporarily, and so he continued to medicate his mood. Multiple destructive consequences were the result of his behavior. John had become a full blown sexual addict. He demonstrated all five key behaviors of an addiction: repetitive, degenerative, unmanageable, medicative, and destructive (Laaser, 2000).
Sadly, John is not alone. Even in the church as a whole, it is estimated that 50% of the men in attendance on an average Sunday morning are struggling with the issue of pornography. In addition to these staggering numbers, the percentage of women attending our churches caught up in the snares of pornography is believed to now be over 25%.
For men, loneliness and the lack of perceived personal adequacy are key issues leading to sexual addictive behaviors.
In women, such acting-out is about the closeness of a relationship and acceptance. The truth is that the depth of the human soul yearns for completeness. Sexual exploits are intended to meet that yearning. The problem is that the lack of intimacy cannot be addressed through sexual fantasy or the use of pornography, masturbation, or any other sexual behaviors.
Many have stated that such behavior is the “norm.” Perhaps, societally, sexual acting-out is the “norm,” but when the norm is destructive, do men and women, couples, Christian, or non-Christian really want to set the bar so low? Settling for such temporary fixes does not satisfy the true need of every human being for personal intimacy and an adequate sense of who we are created to be. Extensive and qualified treatment is critical to promote healing. In addition, a renewed spiritual walk is essential to achieving freedom from such damaging behaviors.
Maybe you or someone you know is caught in this addictive trap. Denial will not help you escape the “cocaine-like” draw that unhealthy sexual behaviors have on you. Help is available, not to condemn, but to restore.
The work is difficult and long, but you, your relationships, your marriage, your children, and our walk with the Lord are worth it. Your true peace of mind is worth it.
I am Dr. Rick McQuistion, LPCC-S. I have been seeing an increase of this problem for years, and I have been blessed to be helpful to many struggling with sexual sins. I am certified to diagnose and treat sexual addictions through the American Association of Christian Counselors. Let me help you on your path to peace and sexual wholeness. Let me help you learn to “take every thought (and action) captive (II Corinthians 10:5) and regain control over your life.
Resources:
Carnes, P. (2005), Facing the Shadow
Laaser, M. (2000), Faithful & True
Schaumburg, H.W. (1997), False Intimacy
When Heartache Hits Home
A Journey of Hope and Healing for Wives
of Sexual Addicts - by Ronni Schaack
What was once rarely discussed in the Christian community has become a frequent topic of conversation, as well as a great issue of concern for many families on a personal level. I am referring to sexual addiction.
All too frequently a well known political figure is confronted by sexual addiction. And near the close of last year a well known Christian leader stepped down from his influential position for the same reason. The consequences are devastating, both for the person exposed and their families.
Approximately half of the people I see in my counseling office are there because their lives have been affected by sexual addiction in some form. Being a sexual addict entails a complex bondage that requires an extensive recovery process. Being the spouse of a sexual addict also requires a process of healing and restoration.
When a wife learns of her husband’s sexual addiction, whether the addiction is acted out by looking at pornography, going to strip clubs, having sex with prostitutes, having frequent affairs or a combination of these, the response is typically similar. She first feels an overwhelming onslaught of emotions consisting of anger, anxiety, insecurity, confusion, helplessness and depression. Behaviors such as compulsive checking, difficulty concentrating, obsessive thoughts and hypervigilence are normal following disclosure. Many women also experience nightmares and a tendency to isolate themselves from others. These symptoms, in clinical terms, are referred to as post traumatic stress disorder. Discovering that your husband has a sexual addiction is extremely traumatic to say the least.
The emotional pain is unbearable. This is usually when most wives of sexual addicts seek help from their pastor or a licensed counselor.
I believe that part of the recovery process for the wife of a sexual addict consists of focusing her energy on what she can control such as her own grief and healing instead of on her husband’s choices and recovery. This does not undermine the importance of setting healthy boundaries for her, her marriage and her children. With the guidance and support of a professional trained in sexual addiction recovery and relying on the Lord’s comfort and strength many women discover a new identity and peace that they initially believed was unattainable.
We are all aware that many marriages end in divorce because of the consequences of sexual addiction. However, many marriages broken by sexual addiction can continue, and eventually thrive, when both spouses are committed to seeking help and healing for themselves and their marriage. I would like to share the thoughts of a former client who experienced the transformation of God’s healing power for herself, her husband and her marriage after her husband’s sexual addiction was exposed.
“It has been fourteen months since my world was turned upside down. It was a few days after Thanksgiving when my husband, a pastor, told me that he was having an affair with a woman friend of ours, a church member.
Emotionally, what I went through over the course of the next couple of months was a very wide range. First was shock, and then came anger, hatred, hurt, paranoia, and hopelessness. I felt so ugly and ashamed. I worried what everyone was saying about us. Out in public I was treated like a leper. My church family was gone. I am very happy and proud to say that within these last fourteen months, God has restored my family and marriage. What to me seemed hopeless and impossible, is now a testimony to God’s power. Our marriage is the strongest it has been in twenty years. God has moved in every aspect of our lives. He has provided His strength when I felt I couldn’t go on anymore. One thing I have learned was when I thought God was so far away, that was when he was the closest.”
It took unimaginable pain and amazing courage on the part of this woman and her husband to seek help to restore their marriage. They were both committed to healing from the emotional and relational devastation that sexual addiction brought to their lives. Each took responsibility for their own pain and the pain they caused each other to grow beyond the resentment and bitterness that could have strangled their marriage.
If you are a spouse of a sexual addict, or if you are entangled in the bondage of sexual addiction, God is with you and He cares about your pain. At the Gentle Shepherd, we rely on the Lord as well as our knowledge of the complex dynamics of sexual addiction to bring hope and healing to those whose lives and marriages been affected by sexual addiction. We invite you to contact us if you are considering seeking support for your own heartache at home.
of Sexual Addicts - by Ronni Schaack
What was once rarely discussed in the Christian community has become a frequent topic of conversation, as well as a great issue of concern for many families on a personal level. I am referring to sexual addiction.
All too frequently a well known political figure is confronted by sexual addiction. And near the close of last year a well known Christian leader stepped down from his influential position for the same reason. The consequences are devastating, both for the person exposed and their families.
Approximately half of the people I see in my counseling office are there because their lives have been affected by sexual addiction in some form. Being a sexual addict entails a complex bondage that requires an extensive recovery process. Being the spouse of a sexual addict also requires a process of healing and restoration.
When a wife learns of her husband’s sexual addiction, whether the addiction is acted out by looking at pornography, going to strip clubs, having sex with prostitutes, having frequent affairs or a combination of these, the response is typically similar. She first feels an overwhelming onslaught of emotions consisting of anger, anxiety, insecurity, confusion, helplessness and depression. Behaviors such as compulsive checking, difficulty concentrating, obsessive thoughts and hypervigilence are normal following disclosure. Many women also experience nightmares and a tendency to isolate themselves from others. These symptoms, in clinical terms, are referred to as post traumatic stress disorder. Discovering that your husband has a sexual addiction is extremely traumatic to say the least.
The emotional pain is unbearable. This is usually when most wives of sexual addicts seek help from their pastor or a licensed counselor.
I believe that part of the recovery process for the wife of a sexual addict consists of focusing her energy on what she can control such as her own grief and healing instead of on her husband’s choices and recovery. This does not undermine the importance of setting healthy boundaries for her, her marriage and her children. With the guidance and support of a professional trained in sexual addiction recovery and relying on the Lord’s comfort and strength many women discover a new identity and peace that they initially believed was unattainable.
We are all aware that many marriages end in divorce because of the consequences of sexual addiction. However, many marriages broken by sexual addiction can continue, and eventually thrive, when both spouses are committed to seeking help and healing for themselves and their marriage. I would like to share the thoughts of a former client who experienced the transformation of God’s healing power for herself, her husband and her marriage after her husband’s sexual addiction was exposed.
“It has been fourteen months since my world was turned upside down. It was a few days after Thanksgiving when my husband, a pastor, told me that he was having an affair with a woman friend of ours, a church member.
Emotionally, what I went through over the course of the next couple of months was a very wide range. First was shock, and then came anger, hatred, hurt, paranoia, and hopelessness. I felt so ugly and ashamed. I worried what everyone was saying about us. Out in public I was treated like a leper. My church family was gone. I am very happy and proud to say that within these last fourteen months, God has restored my family and marriage. What to me seemed hopeless and impossible, is now a testimony to God’s power. Our marriage is the strongest it has been in twenty years. God has moved in every aspect of our lives. He has provided His strength when I felt I couldn’t go on anymore. One thing I have learned was when I thought God was so far away, that was when he was the closest.”
It took unimaginable pain and amazing courage on the part of this woman and her husband to seek help to restore their marriage. They were both committed to healing from the emotional and relational devastation that sexual addiction brought to their lives. Each took responsibility for their own pain and the pain they caused each other to grow beyond the resentment and bitterness that could have strangled their marriage.
If you are a spouse of a sexual addict, or if you are entangled in the bondage of sexual addiction, God is with you and He cares about your pain. At the Gentle Shepherd, we rely on the Lord as well as our knowledge of the complex dynamics of sexual addiction to bring hope and healing to those whose lives and marriages been affected by sexual addiction. We invite you to contact us if you are considering seeking support for your own heartache at home.
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